First post...

What to say? I decided to start this blog for myself. Seeing that the other blog is solely dedicated to my son and his cuteness, everything he does, all the milestones he achieves and just his general awesomeness that makes him him. I love him to bits and he is the best thing I have ever "done/made" got as a gift from God, cause that is what he is. He was already "ordered" and his coming re-assured in 2006, our pastor told us we would have a son, when the time is ready, but that he was already there in spirit (I imagine him floating aroung looking down at us and just waiting for our que to tell him to come down from heaven, drop his wings and come and fill our lives) He is my angel, He is my first born, He is my best achievement.

Seeing that that blog is only dedicated to him, I don't want to bombard "his space" with my personal feelings or moments. So this is why this space was created.

Let's start...

I had a horrifying dream last night, I spoke to my girls about it already and seems some of them have experienced the same thing, but it still makes it horrifying. I dreamt that I was pregnant (I am thinking YIPPIE in my head) and that I went for my first scan. Getting to the gynae's room I was lying there and she (I don't even know who she is as I have never been to or ever even seen a woman gynae before) She did a scan and was kind of unattached (as I suppose they all should be) quickly checked, not even a minute, said, oh well, it's a blighted ovum, the next thing I remember her saying was cut, I felt a teeny tiny cut on my cervix which hurt like hell (don't even know what that was for) and she gave me pills to bring down the pregnancy and cause a miscarriage. I cried, I cried so much I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I woke up with a startle and I was sobbing, that dream was SO real and got into my very core. I have read so many stories of people suffering miscarriage and struggling with infertility and it is hard to see/hear/read of them going through that but you never really know, cause you haven't been there. Well, even if this was just a dream, it felt real it felt really really real and it got to me. This was just a glimpse into it all and I was terrified, a dream made me almost crap my pants. I am emotional, I can't get it out of my head and I don't think I will shake that feeling. I am grateful it was just a dream though, but still it was enough to make me slightly see what those other ladies go through on a daily/monthly/yearly basis, they are strong woman, they are really really strong, I don't even know where they get the strength, well I know, but gosh, that takes humongous heaps of it to get throught something like this in real life. I can carry on and on, but I won't bore you...

I do think however, that I am totally obsessed with pregnancy and everything related, I don't know if that's wrong or if that's just me. I just know I am a mom and that makes me the happiest person in the world. Yes, being a wife, being my own person, having wonderful friends and a super amazing family, still having both sets of grandparents and a loving home, having a good job - although I dread returning to it in 5 weeks time - and being healthy and happy and being loved, having faith, loving God and knowing that He loves me too, all that, but to stand before a little person and KNOW you had your hand (or egg) in the pie while making him is the best feeling ever) Why not then long for that warm and fuzzy feeling again? Every time a wind passes in my intestines I miss knowing that it was a little flutter or a kick from someone you already love so much but have yet to meet. Every time Josh kicks my stomach from the outside I miss him on the inside, I miss rubbing my stomach, I miss chasing his feet around my belly, I miss everything. Maybe I am just still in the "baby-honeymoon" phase, if ever there is such a thing, well I just made it up. I am happy with being just a mom if that is what God intended for me, I am happy having children, I am happy. I just am.

Go figure, I creat a blog for myself and all I can think and talk about is my boy and everything leading up to him being here... I told you, I am just a mom...