Negative...

**With a sign of relieve**

Now just to figure out WHY OH WHY I am soooooo tired and why the wicked red witch hasn't shown her face... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, oh it was less then 0.1 by the way, so it's definately a negative...

Blood test

Hubby's nerves won't rest until a blood test shows negative (or positive) just so you can know where you are at. Seeing that with Josh my bloods were positive 2 weeks before a HPT picked it up (that was at 6 weeks already) so he is not convinced with the HPT I did Monday night.

So I am off to the labs this afternoon... AF was due sometime this week or last week (I think) and he is getting freaky about me passing out at 7pm at night...

Will keep you posted

Lots of stuff..

So since my last post there has been lots of things hapenning...

We celebrated my BIL's 40th birthday last weekend, which means that it marks a 10 year relationship between me and hubby from "friends at school" to lovey doveys to a married couple. Our first "date" was when I accompanied him to his brother's 30th in 1999. How time flies... And as a bonus, also on the day we saw that Joshua's first toothie made it's appearance. Something we will never forget.

Back at work since the end of my exams, although in the mornings, sometimes the day CAN get very long.

I don't know when AF is suppose to be due, I had my last cycle just before I went for my appendix op on 6 October, in that week after the op I sommer had a few days of bleeding again and I think the week after that aswell, strange??... With me now expressing I think it took me back to a proper 4 weekly cycle, which should be due maybe anytime soon now. I hope. I was broody at one stage, especially in the very beginning, I am not really anymore, well not so much, I will always yearn for a pregnancy again, (which will happen soon) but not quite ready for a baby yet, just want to be pregnant, if that makes ANY sense... I checked, just to make sure, and there was only one line on the stick.

I am very tired for some reason, I actually fell asleep expressing last night and the night before, how random is that?

And the biggest news, Josh is (leopard)crawling, he sails where he wants to be on the tummy or he pulls himself forward on his arms... He scrums if you let him lie over a pillow, wayyyyyy too cute! And with that he is moving to the "bigger" class at creche on Monday, seeing that he is basically now mobile, he can hurt the smaller babies as he can manouvre himself towards them.(They stay in the "baby" class till they can either crawl or then till about 9/10 months, then they move up one level where they stay till about 16 months and then they move again). Mommy is very sad though, don't know why, just got used to his class and the staff and the routine, and now he is moving. Oh well, it something that MUST happen I suppose...

Other than that he is sleeping like an angel again, thank Heavens, still somewhat coughy and slimey, but nothing compared to 6 weeks back! This I can live with...

Finally!

I am done with my exams, today was the last one, I was a bit panicked about this one, I didn't get to study much, trying to jam a years work into your head in one day is near impossible, but it seems I jammed just enough. I expected a biatch of a paper today and to my surprise it was all the less important stuff that was asked (Free State, do you always ask the easy stuff???) But hey, I am not complaining, I could atleast answer (or thumb suck) all of the questions, so I firmly believe it is a pass, even if it is JUST a pass I am happy, not in the mood for 70% or 80%'ers here. I just don't want to repeat a subject, then I am happy. Only 4 more years to go! Hee haa!!!

Tomorrow...

I am writing my last exam tomorrow, it is basically a 2-in-1 subject and I have done little-to-none studying thus far on this subject. I can't seem to concentrate, I don't seem to care, I don't know why though, why would I want to repeat this if I can help it? I don't think it's that difficult, but at this stage I know nothing about this to even try and attempt to write on general knowledge. I don't know what's up with me. I am pumped full of turbovite, coffee and liviton to stay awake and concentrate but nothing. And I have to fetch Josh from school in a bit, which means, no time for study till atleast 8pm tonight, which also in effect means, getting up at 3am tomorrow morning again.

THIS SUCKS!

Ticker

Today is one of those weird days where I miss my pregnancy ticker. How random and how weird is that? If I look at all the ladies with their little beans growing month-to-month on the ticker I so terribly miss mine. Maybe it's more the feelings associated with that period of time in my life that I miss. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having Josh (don't think I don't love my child or something) I love him to bits and it's so much better to have him here in person than wondering and waiting... But I miss my ticker. I miss my pregnancy, I wish I could have both, right now, but just the feeling, if that makes sense. I LOVED it, I loved everything about it, every moment. I can't wait for the next one... Just not right now, I have gained some brain cells and some sense back since the pregnancy.

Rejection

So.... I feel major rejection at the moment, I was in tears this morning and still not feeling too well about it... Since the op, and obviously with the night in hospital daddy had to give Josh a bottle for his morning feed (breastmilk) and he did for 2 days after (I tried lying down and breastfeeding, but Josh would kick me in the stomach), seeing that Josh only drinks from the breast in the morning there was no other time for me to breastfeed him again. So up to now I expressed and he got his milk in bottles. I only started trying again since the weekend, he would take here and there, but for the last 2 mornings in a row he would wake for his feed, I would try, he would scream, he would just-just want to latch and then let go. So in the end I have to give him a bottle otherwise he keeps crying... And then to top it off he drinks a mere 70ml before falling asleep again. Now for breastfeeding it was almost worth it to get up as I didn't know how much he drank and I could convince myself it was more that a pityful 70ml.

I feel so rejected, really. So for now, it's only about expressing, I always said I want to keep that up for a year, so let's see. I will keep trying, hopefully he will take again soon, I don't think my heart can take another morning like this.

The worst week EVER!!!

Forget about the appendix deciding that I didn't make a happy home for him anymore, forget about the fact that I was supposed to write exams and was stressing about the studying, (which didn't happen in the end - with the op and all) and forget about the pain afterwards. Think, sick baby, as in SUPER sick...

Josh took a MAJOR turn for a cold on thursday, he had this little cough wednesday, nothing serious and nothing prospan couldn't fix, or so I thought. Daddy fetched him from creche on Thursday afternoon with a snotty nose, a horrible cough and he was warm to the touch (although he never went over 37.1, but he was still VERY VERY hot, sweaty, red, hot) they said he didn't want to drink much, he ate like a champ, but the drinking was almost non existent. Although it took some effort to first get him to eat, but as soon as he was going he would gulp everything down. Thank goodness for that atleast. So we decided we will keep him home on Friday, seeing that I am home, and we don't want him to make the other babies sick... Oh my lord, what a night! We maybe slept 1 hour in total... He would cough so much that it would start to hurt, you could see the real intensity of the cough, almost from his stomach. He would cry more, as it was sore and then there would be too much phlegm, which would make him puke. "Lather, rinse, repeat" every 30 minutes or so... He would sleep, sweaty, not covered, warm, only in his vest, real intense and deep breathing and you could just see this little body is really not on. (Now between all of this daddy had to take him out of the cot for me and put him back, etc, I tried, but it was so deep and I was still a bit eina)

Took him to the paed on Friday morning, apparently he has a cold, and a VERY serious case of thrush, but in the back of his throat, that's why I couldn't see it. WTF! And that is what is making it so sore at the moment. (Creche, damn you! She said it's probably the way they sterilise the spoons and bowls, Milton more specific, I use a steam steriliser, which is perfect according to her) So off we went to get some meds for him. By now the couching and crying has been so rough on his little vocal cords that he is hoarse, sometimes you can't even hear him cry as there is just no sound! That had my heart in pieces, he tried so hard to make a sound, to cry, you can't hear him... So much going on man...

Friday night was the same, not much sleep for us, which means not much studying either. Cry, cough, puke, snot, phlegm, you name it... Saturday was better at times, the night was better, as he slept for the first time for longer than 1 hour at a time, without coughing himself awake and then crying for the next 15 minutes. He was so tired by the weekend, cause he himself hardly slept. He woke twice during saturday night, so that was better... Still all slimy and all, but better. Sunday and yesterday so far was the same, sleep from 7pm till about 24h00, without a sound or a cough and then it starts, coughing and coughing and coughing, you can hear the slime and the snot is there and he is trying so hard to get it out, but it doesn't want to budge. Eventually at around 4am he will drink something, puke up the milk and slime, drink the rest and then go to sleep till around 7. He is now sleeping again. Inbetween he gets bits and pieces of playful times, smiling, chatting, rolling on the floor. But most of the time he is sleeping. He is still snotty and very phlegmy... I kind of feel we have reached the peak and it will now just go downhill, let's hope so.

Oh and to top it all off, STUPID mommy licks the spoons and syringes after I give him his meds (Just automatically happens) so...... I got sick too! All coughy and phlegmy at the moment... NICE!

This past week = MAJOR chaos...

Appendix...

So, what happened to me? Well, I woke up tuesday morning at 1am with Josh moaning over the monitor for a dummy and realised I had a very crampy stomach, high up, just under my ribs, thought, okay, maybe the mince we had wasn't so lekker, but then again, my stomach didn't feel like it was "off", so I went back to bed. I woke again at 4am, this time it was very sore, Josh was again awake for his feed (where he got this new routine from I don't know) and when I got out of bed it hit me, I could hardly walk. The pain had dropped from high up to my right side, shooting pains down my leg and it also felt like my ribs were bruised. I walked half bent over to Joshua's room and fed him, after I was done with him I got some pain meds and went back to bed... Told hubby something wasn't lekker so I said I will make an appointment with gynae that morning as I thought it was a new cyst or one that possibly torsioned. (sp)

Anyway, got myself ready the morning, washed hair, showered, polished and shaved EVERYTHING, scrubbed my heels, painted my toes, rubbed my lotions and potions, did my make-up, all just incase gynae said I must come immediately after dropping Josh at school, so I wanted to be ready. (I just HAVE to be in tip top shape when I go to docs, especially the gynae, I am very fussy about these things, cause you just NEVER know what will happen and where they will look, so...) Gynae felt around, checked, as Nix called it, with his Dildo cam, and there was no cyst... But then he said he thinks it's my appendix, he will quickly get me referred to a surgeon to have a looksy... got my refferal, went 2 floors up and saw the surgeon. He took one look at the way I walked, felt here and there, squeezed a few places and said, yip, appendix... Sent me for some bloods just to check the infection levels, he will phone me with the result, but in the meantime I can go to reception to book my bed, open a file and what not's cause he is 99% certain it will be removed that very same night. What a shocker, I was supposed to be studying that day, not go in for surgery... Went to reception with my codes and refferals, then I remembered, shit, we switched medical aids just after Joshua's birth, from Discovery (just too damn expensive) to Momentum, but the option my dear dear hubby choose only covers LIFE hospitals and not NETCARE, so I couldn't go to PTA-East hosp (which I love and is soooooo close). Luckily the surgeon said he can do the op at a LIFE hosp, so off to Faerie Glen hosp it was, lucky still relatively close, so no issue... (BUT I told hubby as soon as this is over we are changing our option plan to include for ANY hospital, not just associated hospitals)

Waited and waited for the blood results, as that was the deciding factor, eventually doc phoned, infection levels were high, so appendix will be no more at 18:30 that evening. I quickly packed all my things, got Josh and Daddy organised for the next day of school, all his bottles washed, breastmilk defrosted, formula measured, if he drinks more than I bargained for, water poured, breastpump and containers sterilised for me in hosp, clothes set out for the next day and packed for school, shoes, nappies, bibs, the works... All bottles in fridge, marked, packed in line, in order of use, etc. So I REALLY made the job easy for him... Breastmilk et out for bed time feed, and 5am feed. Pj's set out, with nappy, in bathroom, all towels and things set out, he just had to bring Josh home, bath him, dress him, feed him and drop at school... Easy... (Josh was a bit random that day, think he could also feel things weren't as it should be, daddy picked him up from school that afternoon and he woke from his last nap at around 13:15 and until they left the hosp at about 8pm he never slept again, so he was a bit fussy, but okay.) Luckily they survived and he is one happy chappy now. (There is something up with him though, but we'll leave that for another post)

So..... got to hosp at 16:00, had to check in at 16:30, but seeing that I still had to fill out a file we went a bit earlier. Hosp is so quiet in relation to PTA-East, but still they took their time. Eventually sent us up to the ward to be settled in my room while they finish the admin. Filled out some forms, got my tags, dressed in the FUGLY gown and disposable underwear (YUK) and then I waited. Doc was running a teeny bit late, so we waited. Was wheeled to theatre at around 18:45, waited around there till about 19:00 and then doc came, got my drip (ouch) was moved over to the operating table, gave me the sleepy sleeps and there I was, exposed for the world, about to loose my appendix. Apparently the op lasted 50mins (a bit long??) and the appendix was all yucky, woke up in recovery, was very "whooooosy" wheeled back to the ward where hubs, Josh, my mom, dad, bro and girlfriend, and my sister were waiting. Shame, they only stayed like 10 minutes as I was so out of it and apparently just wanted more morphine (even though the nurse kept telling me that the doc JUST gave me a shot, so it will work soon) but it was bloody sore at that instant... so everyone just chuckled at me... I was in an out of sleep till about 23:30 when I woke up and felt "awake" for the first time, then realised I was still dressed in the gown, which was still open and when I checked the disposable panties wasn't even pulled up, was just around my ankles. So I beeped a nurse to help me into my pj's as I was also VERY cold and shivering. Got dressed, went to the loo, got some ice to suck on as I still couldn't drink anything and went back to sleep. Woke a few times during the night as the nurse came now and then just to check and adjust the drip. At 2:20am I woke from the hospital staff laughing, chatting, throwing things in bins, and I couldn't sleep, got up to close my door as they kept forgetting to do that when they left my room and when the head nurse came in again I told her they are a bit load so she shushed them and I slept till 5am. They woke me with a little mobile basin with water to wash myself and came to change the bedding. Got some morphine for the third time as the pain was bad. (I really am an instant pain kind of girl, how weird that may sound, this long term thing doesn't work for me... Natural birth was way easier...)

Got freshened up, read my book, waited for hubby and the doc who came to see me at about 7am, told me everything looks good, all felt okay, I can eat and if I don't get nauseous I can go home. Yippie! Got some meds to take home, got my breakfast, I was sooo hungry by then, and ate. Felt good, nothing weird happened, so they starting with the discharge papers. Hubby came to wait with me till I could go and I was discharged at 10am. Slept a bit and started to get my things ready to study... Still waiting to see how that goes. I am very drowsy from the meds, but hopefully I can focus.

Other than that, I am on day 2 since the op, still sore, every cough and fart and sneeze is a mission, but I am okay. What a week this turned out to be... Lucky I was on study leave when all this hit, so it all worked out well...

PS. I just keep wondering, eventhough I had the cyst, I was very nauseous then (actually threw up) and had the same symptoms as now, and about 2 weeks before that I was told to have a bladder infection, with the same symptoms (I am rarely ever affected by bladder infections, something I can count on one hand, is how little I have had that in my life). I do wonder, could this have been lingering since then and only now the appendix decided, listen, you are not hearing me clearly, so now I will show you that I want to get out...?? P??? Possible??? I was also nauseous over the weekend, so I think this has been something brewing for a while and just now got to the point where it said, no more, out I come!

7 things...

Eve, gave me this Kreativ Blogger Award



Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award: THANK YOU Diva Eva!

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog. Done

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award. Done

4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

* Up to yesterday I could still say I never stayed over in a hospital for an op (other than staying over with the birth, but to me that doesn't count) then everything changed in an instant
* I have though, never broken any bone in my body
* I play piano
* I am very artsy
* I can sew very nice if I may say so myself, clothes, curtains, bedding, whatever
* I went to a technical school, only girl in my class
* DH and I met at school and had a long distance relationship for 2 years before getting engaged, we have been ogether for 10 years this year. High school sweethearts.

5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

Nominees and links:
*Irene
*Joleen
*Melanie
*Melanie (Lilly)
*Mandri
*Jahni
*Tammi

6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. Done in previous nomination section

7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated. Done

Some of our photies

Hubby and I were the photographers at a wedding 2 weeks ago and I thought I'd share some of the photies we took. (I trust you guys enough to share, without fearing it will get "stolen" in cyber space - lol)


Some of mine:



Hubby's:

Stressed...

Sooooooooooo. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn't, maybe... I am enrolled for a 5 year degree, this is currently my first year, I knew it would be tough, it has been somewhat this far, with Josh, having to finish tasks throughout the year and so forth, workshops in Midrand (of which I attended one) and then exams.... OH EXAMS, that is what I dread at the moment. I am starting to write next week wednesday, now I am not so much worried about Engineering, Architecture, Building Economics or Property Development, what gets me is this: Calculus, Physics (WTF!) and my one and only actual practical subject (descriptive quantifying) this one only because it is a hell of a lot of work, not so difficult, but just heaps and heaps to study through... And to top it, it's like the MAIN subject of them all, this is the jist of the entire course, fail this and you basically fail the year...

I have the munchies, like you can't believe (hubby pointed out that it is the stress) something which I never thought I've had, but seems it bites you in the butt when you least expect it. And also I think AF (a weird AF by the way, not so much on 28 days) is contributing to it. I haven't touched a book yet, I have all the perfect intentions of doing so immediately... And then I think of writing on my blog or playing with Josh, or at the same time that my exams are underway enrol and pay for a Moms & Babes course, starting a day before my first exam. STUPID! Now I HAVE to go, 2 hours every tuesday. I am looking forward to it, don't get me wrong, but maybe I just needed some sense when I booked...

Well, let's get this show on the road, knowledge won't come crawling into my head by accident I suppose. I have always been one for last-minute-adrenaline-rush-studying, I just think this time I am pushing my own limits...

Anti-depressants??? WTF!

Let's update work first: Ok, first 2 days come and gone... Was good, we are actually busy moving office, so I came back to a HEAP of boxes, dust, piles of rubbish etc. So not really "working" merely packing at this stage. (I really really really hoped they would actually have been done with this and I would just walk into the brand spanking new offices, but no luck there)

Anyway, the day is over fast, just when you think "what time is it?" then it's home time, I love it. Although I miss my boy, I know school is good, I also need some outside stimulation and we enjoy the afternoons together again, I pick him up at 13:00 unless I do some shopping first... Haven't yet, but will sometime.

So back to the anti-depressants. Gynae gave me Eglynol for milk stimulation seeing that Josh is only breastfed in the mornings when he wakes up and I really want to express bottles for him for school, but the supply took a knock... So he gave me that. 2 x 3 per day... Good, I popped them, milk came, I am happy... He said when the supply picks up, then I can decrease to 1 x 3 per day or 2 x 2 per day or whatever works for me, it is flexible and I can adjust as I feel needed, more or less... So I am now on 1 x 2 per day... Now, I didn't even read the insert or anything, but last weekend when I went to my grandpa's practice just for a scan to see if the cyst is still there we started talking about the Eglynol. And only then did I find out it's an anti-depressant! Oh my heck, I was shocked. I am fine with drinking it, but NO WONDER I was all floopy and happy and nothing can phase me... I actually had a good laugh about this. Apparently (and I am sure you knew P) one of the side-effects is the stimulation of milk... Oh and the insert CLEARLY says, not to use while pregnant or lactating... Ummmmm, ya.

That just was the funniest thing ever... I still chuckle about it... Me and my anti-depressant-milk-producers.... Ha ha ha!

PS. I send him to school with a 200-250ml bottle of breastmilk to be taken first after his porridge (upon arrival) and then he gets 2 x 200ml formula bottles, but he doesn't finish both for the day. So all in all he is on more breastmilk still during the day than formula and then LOADS of solids, this child of mine LOVES eating. We also had our first taste of avo yesterday, will try again today...

PPS. For the first time since the birth, I am back to a 28-day cycle, YIPPIE!

Last day...

Last day of walking bare foot, of making the bed only at 3pm, of sitting and watching TV in my pj's till late, of sleeping when I feel the urge, of wearing minimal or even no make-up, of not even brushing my hair, just tying it up, of lying in the bath for an hour, washing the dishes just before hubby comes home, sitting and chilling and doing as little as possible. The last day...

Tomorrow it's back to work, although I feel I am ready, I am going to miss this lazy assed side of myself, but I know it's time to face the world again and to pretty myself up and going back. It's time...

Monday we start swimming classes for Joshua, so I am off to the shops to go and find a respectable bathing suit for myself (no bikini of mine will fit these DD's anymore and no stretchmark will want to show themselves anyway) some swimmers nappies to avoid any spills and a bathing suit for Josh, how cute it that tooshy going to look in the water???

Daddy will do the Saturday classes and I will do the Monday classes, can't wait!

This is what Ant invasion looks like...

And the best part is, they just come and DIE in our house, comes out of their holes, hits the floor and DIES, lies in heaps in our house...

Bathroom, coming out in the corner and DYING!

Coming out under the brim of the bath and falling on the floor, DYING!

Our room, corner, next to hubby's side of the bed

Next to my side of the bed

At the curtains

A cyst, a surprise and some ants....

Okay, well, where to start. Haven't updated in a bit, much happening in the last week or so. Got sick on Saturday morning at 1am, vomited every 3 hours thereafter, was so weak I could hardly hold Josh, luckily hubby was at a men's retreat and I spent the weekend at my folks, so mommy dearest was on call whenever me or Josh needed her... Love you mom!

The pain I talked about last time, well, it turned out to be a cyst, a 5cm cyst on my right ovary. This was the first time ever I had one, so I didn't know that could possibly be what it was, but now I know, no mistaking that pain... Went to the gynae on Monday morning and there it was, all round and fat and filled with fluid.... Mmmmmmm, gave me some pain killers from heaven and whilst at it some medication to keep my milk supply up (haven't felt engorgement in such a long time, forgot what that feels like, until 2 days into drinking the pills, yohzar, hit me hard... But atleast I know the milk is flowing again...) The pain is gone, and had a random scan this morning at my gramps practice, looks like it shrunk a lot, so as the gynae said, sometimes they come fast and they go fast, this seems to be the case. Hallelujah!

Monday morning hubby came home early, after I was locked inside the house, my house keys was in the car and I couldn't get there, so Josh didn't go to school, I couldn't go anywhere and I was a bit frustrated. He came home anyways, told me he never went to work, only went to gym, fetched the trailor thereafter, he is on leave and we are going on holiday for the week, WoW!!!... I didn't know where until we reached the place, I just had to pack quickly and then we had to go (after the gynae appointment that is) Turned out, we went to Crystal Springs Mountain Lodge near Pilgrim's Rest. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PLACE! So peaceful, so relaxing, just what we needed. The 3 of us, our first little holiday... We spend the days lying around, I went to the sauna, hubby went to the gym. We checked out God's window (more like God's mist) "3 rondawels" and had nice lunches all over the show. A week is too short, I must admit, but it was heaven to get away and just relax. Love you hubby!

Then the frustration hit again upon returning home after 5 days and seeing the ants moved in all over the show again. (I haven't loaded the photos from the camera on the PC yet, but I will show the pics - I actually took pics - tomorrow or so, so you can see I am not just making it up, it is really bad!)

In a nutshell, that is it, the last few days' update, quick and painless. Missed my OPM girls, missed all the blogs, loads of catching up to do...

PS. Sucker bit me again, I am now subscribed to the BEST FOOD FAST magazines that comes fortnightly, but we made some yummy Thai Chicken Curry this afternoon and it was YUM!

Random

So, my baby is sick, have been up since 2am this morning with him vomiting pure slimy yellow bile, shame, his stomach is so empty and you can feel how much effort it is for him to get that stuff out, it smells and he is just so weak... But it's looking better, as updated on OPM, it is gastro, but it's under control at the moment, it's more the top than the bottom. Paed booked a bed however for tonight should things turn, then atleast we know we can just go to the ward and we don't have to worry. I do believe it won't go that far as he had now managed to drink a total of 375ml rehidrat (250 of which he kept down) and 125ml of rooibos tea, also kept it down so far, only had 6 episodes of vomiting so far since 2am, so it slowed down... He is sleeping mostly and not as weak now as he was this morning, he couldn't even open his eyes, and wasn't even crying, seemed like too much effort, only whimpering. He was feeling cold but sweating and then the vomit would start, so it was a bit confusing... 3am we went to the emergency room and there they just made sure he wasn't dehydrated, and gave him some meds... So now all seems okay for the moment.

Me, I am good, have this weirdest pain in my lower back, more to the side, last week it was on the left now it's on the right. When I was sick it seemed I had a slight bladder infection and had antibiotics for everything, surely it can't be back? I have no other pain or burning, just the very uncomfy feeling. Also, it feels like it's "pulling" like ligaments, ya, so much so that I POAS yesterday just to make sure. Seeing that I forgot about the antibiotics and the pill (hadn't been on it in such a long time and only remembered like yesterday, shit, but that combination doesn't work?) Also, since breastfeeding and being on PURE EVIL microval I had gotten used to a regular (normal) 2 weekly cycle, for which I am still late at this stage, so I am waiting it out. I don't know if with the less breastfeeding (only once a day now) seeing that Josh doesn't want mommy's boobies anymore during the day (which by the way made me feel majorly rejected) or if FINALLY the pill has just settled into an actual normal 28day cycle like I always had. So I am waiting... Honestly, a few weeks back if this hit me I would have been like, YES!! Now, I am still broody, but I just know it's not the right time. Not yet... But whatever happens will happen...

This morning seeing that Josh has no appetite and I am paranoid that the limited amount of breastfeeding I have left per day will dry up if I don't use it wisely, I expressed again for the first real time in ages... Just to keep the supply going. I was busy, it was sucking, Josh was moaning and I unplugged the pump still attached to my breast, still in full vacuum mode and went to check on him, not releasing the valve or whatever, so it was sucking and sucking and sucking like a hikey and eventually I ended up with bloody nipples all around... Lekker, this day is AWESOME!

The ants are attacking us inch by inch again, probably going to carry us out of our house alive by next week. We are seriously having a problem here, they are everywhere, in the house, in the skirtings, in the bathroom, in our room, under the floors, in the bath, under the bath, in the walls, in our cupboards, in the ceiling (I promise you), in the LAUNDRY basket.... I hate the Fuckers...

I am a bit moody, sorry, maybe I am just getting tired now, this day has just taken a lot out of me without actually realising it....

Chat again soon...

It's done.

My baby is at school, I cried, he smiled, daddy hugged... But now we are all good. Went for some (I think much deserved) alone time - just had breakfast, but it was good.

Josh was all smiley and didn't mind going to the ladies, they are all so sweet though. I know he will be super happy there. The lady just phoned and said he is doing wonderful, he has been playing the entire morning and now went for a nap after his bottle. So he is not fussy or grumpy or anything...

That's better, than having a crying baby, cause I don't think I would have been able to turn away had he been crying.

I was perfectly fine up to the moment I had to say goodbye and turn my back and leave, I wondered when the emotions would hit and then it hit. Cry baby... But now, I am good, actually enjoying a little time at home (although I had been sniffling through his things and gathering some more "homey" toys and such to take with when I pick him up, that he can leave there) it is all good.

Tomorrow I know it will be easier... And by the time I go back to work that will be the only thing that sucks donkey balls, as this will be water under the bridge already...

I also got info on enrolling him in swim school starting 5 Oct, when he will be just over 6 months and the next term for swimming starts, mommy must be in the pool too, this is going to be fun!

(Family pic before leaving this morning, note the 34DD's in that push-up bra... love it... lol)

Last day of fun.

After 23 weeks in the world (and 40 weeks inside me - so basically 63 weeks of me and him) spending time with my little one, seeing him basically 24/7, never having anyone else babysit so far, has come to an end... This is our last day together, just me and him, all day long.

Tomorrow he starts school!!! Even if it's just half day, I am near tears already and hubby isn't taking it too well either... He said he never thought it would be such a major thing, but it is. And although we have already been there and Josh is smiling to everyone and we know he has NO issue going to strange people, obviously we are the ones taking it the hardest. Hubby is taking a half day's leave tomorrow, maybe we'll go watch a movie or something, to keep our minds off this... And maybe spending some time just the 2 of us will be fun, kind of forgot how that feels like and we haven't had "alone" time in the past 5 months... Not that we "crave" it, yes, it will be fun, but we never thought we need it so far. Maybe we just got used to sharing time...

Back to Josh: He is going to be very happy there, I know it. It is the most fun place I have ever seen: "Prinsies en Prinsessies" the school is built like a castle, with the little flags on the corners and pictures of princes and princesses on the walls. High security, very neat and clean and the kiddies stay there from 3 months to Gr.0, so no moving to a "bigger" creche later and that means they will make friends that they will most probably go to the same school with in the end.

I still have a few things to shop for today that he needs to take with, but mostly everything is done. Just now to mark it all...

Ugh, the more I think of this, the more I want to just NOT do it, but I know there is no turning back now, fees are paid, he is starting tomorrow... And then, 2 weeks from now, I am back at work. YUCK!

OCD???

So, Honey inspired me with this thread on OPM yesterday which totally turned into something else I think... It was about something you can do (a talent) that nobody knows and turned out to be everyone's OCD's. (Which I think we all have, in some sort of form, even if you don't actually know it's an OCD, we all have SOMETHING)

I am listing mine: (This post will be added to, as I think of more)

* I have to hear a click when I fasted Joshua's poppers on his clothes, no click = then I will unfasten it and fasten it again, so that it makes a sound.
* I have to sleep with curtains closed shut, as in, not even a crack open allowing light to come through, even if I close my eyes and turn away I won't be able to sleep, because I know the light is looking at me.
* Even the PC or radio will either be switched off or turned away so I can't see the damn light, but the little flickering of the monitor will keep me awake.
* I have to take a sip from the coldrink that I make before handing it to the person (yip, they don't see it)
* The toilet paper MUST hang from the back, I will freak out if it doesn't.
* I have to sleep with closed windows (the ones I can see and will know of during the night - if I am at someone else's place), I will close every window in the house, no matter where I sleep, too bad for the people who's house it is...
* I have to sleep with something over me, even if it's just the sheet, no matter how hot.
* Colourcoding, blue caps on blue bottles, red caps on red bottles... Etc.
* Things HAVE to be in the perfect, equal to both sides, spot on the wall, I will measure for 45 minutes to get the spot up to the mm before hubby can drill the hole.
* I have to have my ear covered by either the duvet or the sheet at night, otherwise I can't sleep.
* I sometimes find myself counting the amount of chews per swallow, if it ends on an odd number, I will chew once more so that it's even.
* The same with drinking, when I get to the last sip of a coldrink and it's odd, I will sip twice on the last bit, no matter how little the amount left, just so it ends on an even number.
* I have tried, I can't sleep commando... If I fall asleep without some "undergarments", I will eventually wake up from it, get up and just put some on, could never master that art.
* I have to leave my teabag in my cup while drinking it.
* I always page a magazine from back to front first, just to see what's inside, then I start reading from front to back.
* I tap my toothbrush twice after brushing on the basin, don't know why, but always do.
* I drink water directly from the tap (yes, it might be gross, I can't do it any other way)
* I tap my soda can with my finger nails on the top before opening it.
* I can't suck a lollipop, I eat it.
* I always switch the light on when I go to the bathroom even if it's day time.
* I always fill the toilet bowl with paper before... you know.
* I have to wear a "full" panty when I go to bed - no strings for me at night, sad I know.

Muffin pan blues

Don't bake muffins without a muffin pan, what were you thinking woman??? (Me)

I ordered some muffin mixes and a pan, but pick n pay dropped off my groceries, yes I got lazy, and the muffin pan was out of stock, which I think is bull, I think the "shopper" didn't find it and marked it as out of stock... Cause seriously they are always there... Anyway, got my mixes and got my muffin case cups. Tried it with what I had, ended up with one BIG muffan!!! Interesting...

Diagnosis

Yip, I have Pharyngitis, mixed it together and beat till fluffy - with the cold and flu - and just to top it, a little icing a.k.a - bladder infection -, cherry on top! Serve with a cup of self pity and enjoy! Blegh! Off to bed!!!

Pharyngitis
Pharyngitis is a sore throat caused by inflammation of the back of the throat. Your throat may be scratchy and swallowing can be painful. Usually a sore throat is the sign of another illness, such as a cold or the flu. Unless you have a bacterial infection, taking antibiotics doesn't help a sore throat. In fact, most sore throats go away on their own in a week or less.

Signs and Symptoms:
The symptoms that accompany a sore thorat can vary, depending on what the underling illness is.

Sore throat with cold
•Sneezing
•Cough
•A low fever (less than 102 degrees)
•Mild headache
Sore throat with flu

•Fatigue
•Body aches
•Chills
•Fever higher than 102 degrees
Sore throat with mononucleosis

•Enlarged lymph nodes in neck and armpits
•Swollen tonsils
•Headache
•Loss of appetite
•Swollen spleen
•Liver inflammation

Sick....

Going to the doc at 14:15, have a terrible headache, ears are buzzing, head wants to explode from all the buzzing, sore throat, runny and stuffy nose, glands are swollen in my neck and to top it all I think I have a bladder infection or something of the sort.

Pity party please!

Have been drink med-lemon for 4 days, doesn't work, and pumping vit.C...

Have 5 tasks to finish before, LATEST friday as at this stage it doesn't seem that I will attend the workshop on Thursday and Friday in Midrand for my studies, although it's okay, didn't attend the previous one either, then Josh was sick, and they didn't say anything, so.... We we we

Hope to feel better soon...

WTF!!!

Directly taken from OPM (with minor adjustments and an update), as I have been contemplating how to write this, I still feel kak, but things seem to go better...

"Ok, so, the solids thing, he LOVES it, eats cereal in the morning, veggies in the afternoon and fruits in the evening. His milk took a back slide which I was a bit worried about, but I always made sure he got milk FIRST then solids...

And he ate like a champ, finished a purity 80ml sized serving in one go...

Took him to be weighed today (21.4 weeks), 6.49kg's, 66.5cm, head 41.5cm
BUT, and this is were the k@k came in, at his 16 week weigh-in, he was 6.45kg, YUP, you guessed it, only gained like 40g!!!! At 16 weeks he was 63cm and 39cm head, so he has grown, but not as much as I would have liked, the nurse is not too concerned, he is still healthy and all, he is strong, alert and all his other thingies is on track, but I am in stress mode here!!!

She said the cereal in the morning is fine, but I should stop with the fruits and veggies as it has no nutritional value at this stage of their development, it's mainly for taste and texture and to teach them how to eat... And it makes him fuller, so he isn't as interested in milk then. And I know milk is the no.1 priority at the moment... Sigh...

I should give him supplementary feeds, mix, to start with to get him used to the taste, half breastmilk with half formula just in the mornings (with his cereal) and again in the evening and he must drink more on the breast (reason why we need to cut the fruits and veggies for now)

I feel so KAK! I was so sure he was fine, well he is, but you know what I mean, I expected a little more gain with the solids and seeing that he LOVED it so much, I was fine with it.

I am sticking to the S26 Gold that I still have for now, to see how the mixing goes first and then I'll alter if he still doesn't want it...

Sorry, but I am feeling sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo super stupid at this moment."

**UPDATE**

I have tried mixing the breastmilk and formula, doesn't work, have tried formula on it's own, doesn't work, have shoved it in his mouth, makes himself puke...

My SIL bought me some NUK standard bottles in Washington as a gift from over the seas (in lekker afrikaans accent), but they are No.2 teats. As I have a complete collection of wide neck bottles and no.1 teats in all kinds of flows already, I didn't bother to replace the standard teats with no.1's, he will be in the no.2 range withing a month, then I can use that, it just seemed like a waste of money... Bless you SIL, if it wasn't for the gift, I would have never thought of this...

SOOooooooo... Out of pure frustration and desperation I tried those specific bottles and the no.2 teats yesterday... Uh hum, he drank it, you guessed it... 110ml and again 130ml at bed time...

So whatever, I am not even trying to figure out what it is with him, he drinks juice, teas, water, breastmilk, you name it from wide neck's, for some reason, he doesn't want his formula in wide neck's, I don't know, don't ask me. But apparently I was just as fussy, my parents had to drive from store to store for the specific cheap cafe dummy I liked... So.... Let's not go there.

So, in all, he is still getting cereal in the morning only, and 2 bottles of 120ml formula per day, the rest of the time he is still on the breast...

Problem solved, for now... Next weigh in - 3 September... Let's se how it goes!

Men.... **

I am a sucker...

For anything subcribe'ish, those little thingies that comes with the magazines and is all candy coated and has got blinkies and nice thingies to it. Free gifts, subscribe now... Bla bla bla... I am on the brink of joining leisure books... (I am actually keeping my cool on this one) But I want it all.

I have done:
The art of calligraphy (halfway through I stopped)
Art course (completed)
Treasures of the earth (ok, still in primary school and made my parents the suckers here and also stopped about halfway, how interesting can a rock be, really?)
Dinosaurs (also primary school)
Bugs (again parents = suckers, because I nagged)
Oh, and I have done "Astrology" which at that stage (high school) was just "cool" and I only later realised it was a bit dodgy with all the tarot cards and crap. I didn't know much about the spirit world (Christian) at that stage and didn't know that these things are actually really bad ass, so I burnt it all... Good riddens...

And now, I have started for Josh, I have already subscribed to the disney book club (just to start early) and have already got 10 books (well, because I was a member when I was younger and man, those stories are awesome, no?) and now I have also done Arthur, a.k.a "Funny bones" from deagostini: http://www.deagostini.co.za/funnybones/
This 1.1m skeleton that you build monthly with all the goods: brains, eyes, lungs, skin (I think), heart and what nots. Because? Because, I am scared that when he is at the age where he would want it, it would no longer be available. Sooooooooo.

I am getting him all this stuff to keep for ONE DAY, ONE DAY hoping he might be at all interested in the human body for one and interested in something that might possibly be lame at that stage. As the recommended age is 8 and up!!! Ya, shocker...

Ag I don't know, maybe I am getting it because I like it, after all, I wanted to be a doctor when I was younger, things just didn't work out... I am fascinated by the human body and all, so maybe it's more for me. I just can't wait (8 years from now) to build this freakin awesome skeleton with him... It's gonna be fun!

The shite is going to hit the fan!

After YEARS of contemplating and walking in to do it, then only to phone my mom and ask if I should (because I know myself better and hearing her say no I shouldn't - something I already knew - just made me feel better) I finally did it. I applied for a credit card. SHITE!

I am an impulsive person, heavy impulsive, not even a R10000 clothing account will freak me out, I don't know, I just worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Now, I shop and spend and buy what I want and "be-happy-in-the-moment"... Eish, maybe a lifestyle change will be good. But now, I have this THING, and I am already making plans. I will just have to keep myself organised and only use it for the initial purpose I applied for it in the first place. **Pick n Pay online shopping** Ting ting ting!!! My newest discovery and a marvelous one indeed, what is better than picking everything online, paying with my now BRAND new card (as I don't want to use hubby's everytime and then have to pay it back to him bla bla bla, just toooooo much schlep) and have them deliver it to my door the next day. Heaven I tell you, heaven...

I am already setting up my "shopping cart" for the end of the month, just have to send, authorise, pay and get it delivered when ready. Love it!

It's MINE!!!!

WTF! I NEVER thought I'd see this day, yes there are some others on facebook that I share the name with (but so far I am the oldest, so I WAS FIRST), but it's no one I know personally and have never met.

Now this girl I went to school with decided, "well, let's name my daughter Monzelle..." She wasn't even my friend that I spent time with after school, just a random girl I know from school and spoke to and stuff, but we never took it outside the school grounds... Now look, I am flattered, with a topping of rage at the moment. If I decided to name my girl Jahni (only one I could think of that is not just ordinary) or something out of the ordinary and I KNOW someone with the same name, I would ASK first. Did she ask me? NO!!! (I would have said yes, but I don't want to be randomly informed just via facebook statusses, I want to KNOW these things!)

She was probably just like, "hey hubby, I've got a name: Monzelle", "oh" he'd say, "where did you hear that?", "just heard it, random, some (SOME!!) girl from school" I WASN'T JUST SOME GIRL!!! I was unique!!! It's MINE!!! You should ask me first!

Ok, maybe I am over reacting and if I could copyright my name I'd copyright it SO fast it would make her head spin, but I HATE this, I don't like having people use MY name, my personal blueprint to who I am, my uniqueness... MINE MINE MINE!!!!

Ok, I feel a bit better now, this might seem strange, but I am strange like that. What's mine and what makes me unique is personal... Ugggghhhhhhh!

I always had this stupid idea in my head that because I can't find a meaning to my name, I would create one, I would live my life so that one day when they try and find a meaning to the name, I would be the example of what it should be... I would give meaning to it... And now, it has become ordinary...

First post...

What to say? I decided to start this blog for myself. Seeing that the other blog is solely dedicated to my son and his cuteness, everything he does, all the milestones he achieves and just his general awesomeness that makes him him. I love him to bits and he is the best thing I have ever "done/made" got as a gift from God, cause that is what he is. He was already "ordered" and his coming re-assured in 2006, our pastor told us we would have a son, when the time is ready, but that he was already there in spirit (I imagine him floating aroung looking down at us and just waiting for our que to tell him to come down from heaven, drop his wings and come and fill our lives) He is my angel, He is my first born, He is my best achievement.

Seeing that that blog is only dedicated to him, I don't want to bombard "his space" with my personal feelings or moments. So this is why this space was created.

Let's start...

I had a horrifying dream last night, I spoke to my girls about it already and seems some of them have experienced the same thing, but it still makes it horrifying. I dreamt that I was pregnant (I am thinking YIPPIE in my head) and that I went for my first scan. Getting to the gynae's room I was lying there and she (I don't even know who she is as I have never been to or ever even seen a woman gynae before) She did a scan and was kind of unattached (as I suppose they all should be) quickly checked, not even a minute, said, oh well, it's a blighted ovum, the next thing I remember her saying was cut, I felt a teeny tiny cut on my cervix which hurt like hell (don't even know what that was for) and she gave me pills to bring down the pregnancy and cause a miscarriage. I cried, I cried so much I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I woke up with a startle and I was sobbing, that dream was SO real and got into my very core. I have read so many stories of people suffering miscarriage and struggling with infertility and it is hard to see/hear/read of them going through that but you never really know, cause you haven't been there. Well, even if this was just a dream, it felt real it felt really really real and it got to me. This was just a glimpse into it all and I was terrified, a dream made me almost crap my pants. I am emotional, I can't get it out of my head and I don't think I will shake that feeling. I am grateful it was just a dream though, but still it was enough to make me slightly see what those other ladies go through on a daily/monthly/yearly basis, they are strong woman, they are really really strong, I don't even know where they get the strength, well I know, but gosh, that takes humongous heaps of it to get throught something like this in real life. I can carry on and on, but I won't bore you...

I do think however, that I am totally obsessed with pregnancy and everything related, I don't know if that's wrong or if that's just me. I just know I am a mom and that makes me the happiest person in the world. Yes, being a wife, being my own person, having wonderful friends and a super amazing family, still having both sets of grandparents and a loving home, having a good job - although I dread returning to it in 5 weeks time - and being healthy and happy and being loved, having faith, loving God and knowing that He loves me too, all that, but to stand before a little person and KNOW you had your hand (or egg) in the pie while making him is the best feeling ever) Why not then long for that warm and fuzzy feeling again? Every time a wind passes in my intestines I miss knowing that it was a little flutter or a kick from someone you already love so much but have yet to meet. Every time Josh kicks my stomach from the outside I miss him on the inside, I miss rubbing my stomach, I miss chasing his feet around my belly, I miss everything. Maybe I am just still in the "baby-honeymoon" phase, if ever there is such a thing, well I just made it up. I am happy with being just a mom if that is what God intended for me, I am happy having children, I am happy. I just am.

Go figure, I creat a blog for myself and all I can think and talk about is my boy and everything leading up to him being here... I told you, I am just a mom...